Letter to my absent father

Is it really true that many of us become teenage parents because we were brought up by a single parent? Just think about it. Anyway, this isn’t me trying to make my father look like a monster which I am sure he isn’t he just fell into the ‘make a run for it when you don’t wear the condom and refuse to take responsibilities’ box, he refused to be associated with these fathers who have nothing else to do but to love their kids, oh how could they?. But I wish I had a father, like many other children do, and yes! Sometimes I really want to be daddy’s girl, so here is a letter I wrote to my birth father.

A little about me

As a little girl I lived out of town with my grandmother and my uncle and his children, I just assumed he was my father too until I grew up and found out he was other people’s dad- I couldn’t claim him as mine. At about ten years old my uncle sat me down and explained that my father had been around his place and wanted to see me, he went on to tell me what a jerk he was and how when he tried to speak to him he pretended to have a headache and left. A few people have suggested maybe I wanted to be a mother as soon as I found what I called ‘love’ because it might have seemed like a good idea to fill that emptiness, even research have supported that..Hmm I don’t know.

So here is my letter to my absent father I am sure he won’t come across this but I hope he does

Dear father,

I remember the first day I went to school and the other children spoke fondly about their fathers and I didn’t have any story to tell so I lied, I told them my dad was a very busy man and he sometimes picked me up in his cool car and drove me around town to get me whatever I wanted and other fantasies stories like that. I was very little but I was ashamed and felt incomplete, I wondered what I did to make you run away from me. Was I too ugly? Was I too fat? Not intelligent enough or just simply undeserving of your love and care? I believed for so long that there must have been something I could have done or it was perhaps my fault I mustn’t have been what you were expecting. You had other children and you loved them, cared for them so why not me too? What did I ever do to deserve such abandonment? But the saddest part is that I have always loved you, I have always longed for the day I could finally call someone ‘dad’ and he would call me his daughter, and I just wanted to belong –somewhere with you as my dad.

Do you remember the day my mother finally allowed you to come take me away with you and you looked me in the eyes and promised you would come? Well father, I sat on a wooden chair waited from morning, I sat there all day waiting to belong, waiting for you to prove to my mother that she was wrong when she said you won’t coming, but you couldn’t turn up could you, you couldn’t call, you couldn’t care less about me. At that time I believed I was never meant to be born, you and mum were too young you didn’t know what you were doing so yes I know I was a big mistake but couldn’t you just give me a chance?

I have spent my life claiming other people’s fathers as my own, I have tried to be other men’s daughter but somehow I have always felt that I didn’t belong, they could never love me enough because why should they? When my own father couldn’t love me? Why should I expect their love? Why should I even love them when to me there was nobody in the world who could ever love me? But you know I am fine now, almost! I have come to terms with the fact that I may never have my dad teach me how to drive, or chase away my boyfriend or I may not have a hero dad, all I hope is that history will not repeat itself. But if it does I know my child will be fine because he won’t be alone. He will have a mother who understands and who is strong. Although I am still fighting with low self esteem everyday is a new day, I can now spend weeks without thinking about you but I still love you and I wish you and my brothers and sisters happiness. I just want you to know that I am fine and I am building my bricks slowly. I hope you are a great father to your children, I hope you are to them what you could never be to me ‘dad’.

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